Reflections on Motherhood

Happy St. Patrick's Day! This morning, as I was browsing my closet for a green shirt, I was reminded of how last St. Patrick's Day, I had to opt out of wearing green. I was over 40 weeks pregnant and not one single green item of clothing fit me. I cannot, canNOT believe that that was one year ago. It seems like four, maybe five months ago? This year has rushed by so quickly.

My sweet little guy will turn one on Thursday. It's unbelievable to think that I will have spent every single day of a year with Baby Jo. I don't think I can say that about anyone else in the last 20 years of my life. Today, I've been reflecting on how much he has evolved from a delicate, basically motionless newborn to a blooming, interactive toddler. Almost a year ago, he could barely keep his eyes open long enough to look at me. Today, he was pretending to serve me his sippy cup, trying to shove chewed up ham in my mouth (how kind), hugging me, grabbing fistfuls of my hair and shoving it in his mouth, and clapping along with me. He's no longer a sweet, high maintenance accessory in my life- he is his own sweet person.

Not only have I been reflecting on how my son has evolved; I have also been thinking about how much I have changed as a mother in the past year. I remember the final night that he was staying in the NICU. He was about six days old. The NICU had a transitional room that had a double bed for a parent to sleep in the room with the baby- kind of like a trial run on how the baby would do with minimal medical watch. That night, Jo did not sleep. He cried and stayed awake for a long time. I would rock him to sleep, lie him down in his crib, only to hear him stir and cry two minute later.  After a few hours of this, I felt completely overwhelmed. I paged his nurse to come in (bless those amazingly patient NICU nurses!) and told her, "I just don't know what to do. He isn't sleeping. I just don't what is wrong." She gently asked, "OK...do you think maybe his diaper needs to be changed?" I broke into tears. I felt so stupid and incompetent. Am I supposed to know what's wrong? Why didn't I just know?

Fast forward a few weeks and my sister-in-law was awesome enough to fly down to OKC to help me with the baby for a few days. While she was there, Baby Jo started crying pretty hard. My sister-in-law asked me, "Hmmm.... is that his hungry cry?" I had no idea. I remember feeling so clueless. Crap. Am I supposed to know what cry means what? I don't know how to do any of this!

I also remember being petrified about being alone with the baby. What if I had to go to the bathroom? How could I ever go grocery shopping with him? What if he cries? Or has a blow out? Or needs to be fed while I am in public?

Now, as his first birthday is almost here, I so badly wish I could jump in a time machine and head back to the poor version of myself. I would tell myself, "What everyone says is true- you WILL get the hang of it. You WILL learn what his cries and cues mean. When he eventually has a meltdown in public, you will be able to handle it like a champ. You will fly with him on 11 different flights. You WILL get the hang of nursing, and will be able to awkwardly do it in public ( I still need my boppy).  You got this....oh, andheisn'tgonnasleepwellforareallyreallylongtime, kbye!"

I still feel clueless about a lot of things. I still wonder if I am making the right choices often. But for the most part, I am happy with my ability handle this whole motherhood thing so far.

At the risk of sounding braggy, I wanted to document some things I feel that I do well as a mom. I usually tend to focus on my flaws, but I think it's more helpful to remember the things I like.

I am very affectionate. My kiddo doesn't go long without being told he is loved, hugged, snuggled, and smothered with kisses.

I'd like to think that I am a fun mom. I get super bored playing with baby toys and reading books, but I have fun doing more physical interaction. I like to toss Jo in the air, spin him in circles, push him around in a box, swing him in blankets, and wrestle. I also dance like a moron and make up dumb voices, much to my little guy's delight.

I've been good at exposing my son to music. I sing to him A LOT. Singing to my baby was one of the things that I looked forward to the most when I was pregnant. I also play on my keyboard with him, listen to instrumental music with him, and try to expose him to various instruments. One of his favorite toys is his Fisher Price xylophone that my parents got him for Christmas.

While I am an anxious mom about many things, I feel like for the most part, I'm good at shrugging a lot off. He doesn't want to eat anything but dry cheerios for lunch today? Whatever. He's eating chocolate chips off the kitchen floor? Gross, but whatever. He wants to take down all the picture frames and clap them together?..Meh. Go for it. Sometimes when he is standing against something hard and heavy, someone may say, "Oh, is he gonna hit his head?" I usually respond, "Yeah, probably." I assume with a boy, there will be lots of bruises and bumps. I don't worry too much about them. (But I am not neglectful, so no need to call CPS.)

Though I absolutely do not think nursing makes me a good mom (I think any mom who appropriately feeds their infant breastmilk or formula is doing it right), I am happy that I have been able to stick with nursing. It wasn't easy at first. After about two weeks, I cried to my mom saying, "I can't even imagine doing this for another MONTH, let alone a YEAR!" But somehow, me and my now very altered chest have been able to keep it up. I am grateful that my body has been compliant in the process.

So here's to my first year of motherhood ever. I'm so grateful for my role as Jo's mom. It is such a tough thing to do, but it's wonderful.