2015

I described 2013 as the best year ever. I described 2014 as exhausting. How would I describe 2015? I'm not so sure. A mix of happy and utter sorrow. Harrow? Haprow? I don't know.

There has been so much beauty in this year. I started the year with a precious little baby and ended the year with an amazing, busy toddler. That has most definitely been the highlight of this year, watching my sweet son transform. He is CONSTANTLY talking, and it's most often in English. He still speaks a little "Jonahese" every now and then. He doesn't walk anywhere, but runs. The only time I see him slow down is when he approaches our tile entryway while wearing his footie jammies. Other than that, he's hauling. He loves music, and it's been awesome to see him try so hard to sing along. He started attending nursery at church (and I spy on him every single week). He can say so many words, understand even more, and is growing constantly. It's been overwhelming to feel so much love and wonder for my little man.

Jordan's professional life has made big improvements this year. He received a raised and has gotten a lot of recognition for his hard work and skills at his office. He has found his spot at work, and he really enjoys his boss and job. Plus, with his hard work, we were able to pay off our student loans this year! On Thanksgiving, we gave Sally Mae her last piece of pie. We are thrilled.

We didn't go on any exotic vacations this year, but we had some nice getaways. I got to go to Seattle three times, as well as Oregon to visit my sister and her new baby. We did several weekend trips to Tulsa. In June, we took our first trip WITHOUT Jo when we went to Vegas, which was a lot of fun. In September, Jordan and I took another trip sans toddler to Dallas for a weekend. Other than that, our travels were pretty simple this year.

Another highlight of 2015 was seeing my family. Oh, how I miss my family members. I got to see my sister three times this year (for a total of about four weeks, which was nice. Yay for long visits!), I got to see my oldest brother's family twice, and I got to see my other oldest brother's family once. I got to go home for Christmas. I got to have my parents come for a week to visit me here in Oklahoma. My brother and his family stayed a week with us, which was heavenly. I'm so happy to see everyone.

On the flip side, I have missed my family so much this year, much more than the previous years. My homesickness is always there, though its intensity fluctuates. This year, however, it never seemed to fade. I think part of it is because we don't really have an end in sight here in Oklahoma. That worries me. Also, I am seeing my siblings all settle where they are, and I struggle to know how we can live close by. 

This year, we had to say goodbye to Jordan's beloved grandfather. We saw him last Christmas, and he was so happy and energetic. A mere four days later, he was in the hospital, and died a little over a month later. 

The world was so sad this year. All the shootings, the political garbage, the sad cases of refugees....sometimes it was too much to bear just reading about it. There have been many days this year where I worry about the future for my son. It's a sad worry to have.

For me, the hardest part of the year has been the last two months. In July, we decided to go back on my fertility treatment. I had to wean Baby Jo, which broke my heart. July, August, and September resulted in no pregnancy. We were able to conceive in October. I found out on Halloween morning, and it was probably my happiest day of the whole year. Sadly, we found out a few days later that my hcg numbers were a bit low, and five days later I miscarried. I have spent November and December with a heavy dark cloud hanging over my head. Christmas was an ok distraction, but not great. I am embarrassed at how upset this makes me, as I know there are so many women who cannot have ANY children while I have my son, but I can't help my grief right now. It's been so hard to accept that my children won't be the age spacing that I had dreamed. It scares me that I won't be able to have as many children as I want to have in life, and I hate the uncertainty of getting pregnant again.I feel rather powerless, yet somehow completely responsible for my fertility. It's been emotionally and mentally exhausting. Plus, my doctor told me that my condition has a miscarry rate of 38%, which makes me sick to my stomach. I had such high hopes of ending this year with a pregnancy....but I hope 2016 will result in that. 

At the end of the day (and the end of the year), I am grateful for the past 12 months. Living them and experiencing them is far better than the alternative. I'm grateful for everyday I have on this earth; even the really sad, terrible days. 

In 2016, my goals are the following: get friggin' pregnant, take an exciting vacation without my kid, take a fun vacation WITH my kid, and to have fewer sad days and more happy days. Stay tuned!