Ode to Mid-Twenties

Ode to Twenties
Mid-Twenties Edition
Ages 23-26

This time of my twenties was involved a lot of growing and adjusting, and a lot of tired nights.

Age 23:

Blurry picture from my 23rd Birthday

A lot of changes happened this year! A few weeks after my birthday, I graduated from BYU, moved home for about three weeks to prepare for my wedding, got hitched in May, and then promptly moved to Oklahoma to begin grad school and married life.

A few month into 23, I got to finally go to Graceland and get as close to Elvis as physically possible.

Twenty-three was an interesting year. Though it started out as an exciting whirlwind, it had its challenges. I was sad to move to Tulsa. Plus, going from dating at BYU to being married far from home or anything familiar was a big adjustment. Jordan and I didn't have the nice transitional period of being married while still at BYU, which was our relationship's original habitat. Instead, it felt like a million changes at once. It was tough on my 23 year old soul.

After some time, I did come to appreciate OU-Tulsa, which was very different than BYU. In January, I started my practicum as an actual therapist for adults. While I enjoyed it and learned a lot, I often felt like a little kid playing dress up. I always winced when someone asked me my age and would respond by saying, "Oh, I'm older than I look."  For the first time in a long time, I was actually looking a little forward to getting older.

Age 24:

Pictures from my actual 24th birthday

Twenty-three was a little challenging, but 24 was TOUGH. This was the year that I graduated with my MSW and got a job as a full-time children's mental health counselor. For the first six months of my career, I dreaded going to work everyday. It was so draining. So challenging. I cried a few times from being overwhelmed and questioned all my academic decisions. Plus, the whole paid vacation limitation was hard for me. I was so homesick and had to carefully juggle my vacation time to arrange to see my family. Luckily, after a while, I dreaded work a little less. I became increasingly confidant in my work and started to enjoy it ....sometimes. 

Plus, when I was 24, I got to do some cool stuff, too. We did a church history tour with my parents, Jordan and I went to Branson with his parents, and we went on a last minute weekend get-away to Kansas City, just for fun. This was also the year that I got to take Jordan to our family's traditional huge Thanksgiving in Boise. This was the final one, as we stopped the tradition after my grandfather passed away. I'm so glad Jordan got to go to one.

Age 25:

25th Birthday!

This was not a particularly noteworthy age, aside from some awesome traveling. We went on a Caribbean cruise for our two year anniversary, as well as Disneyland with my whole family. As with every other age, I visited Seattle once or twice. 

I continued to progress as a therapist during this year, and I continued to be exhausted by it.

The biggest trial of this age was brought to me by my kidney. I had to have minor surgery that ended up being absolutely terrible (See blog post from January 2012). I remember thinking that with the pain I was experiencing from kidney surgery recovery was kicking my butt so badly, childbirth was going to be a nightmare. It turns out that my kidney procedure and recovery was DEFINITELY worse than childbirth. Yeesh.

26:

This was a pretty good year. It had some fantastic highs and a few disappointing lows.

In my career, I was able to FINALLY complete all the necessary clinical hours that I needed for my LCSW. I also took and passed the clinical test and officially became an LCSW. Holla! In my work, I continued to get better and better as a therapist, and was even offered some temporary positions due to my successes that I was experiencing. It was very validating. When I gave my supervisor my notice of leave, she told me that I was an employee that the supervisors could see as a future supervisor for our area of the agency. It made leaving my job that much  harder, as I felt as though I would be starting fresh, but I ended up not working after I left this particular job anyway!

The reason that I left my career at 26 was because this was the year that Jordan graduated from PA school, accepted a job in OKC, and we moved there in January. I actually really liked taking a few months off of work. It felt good to relax and focus on my physical health. During this hiatus from work, I really focused on exercising and got in the best shape of my 20's...not that I was in body builder shape or anything, but I certainly made strength progress. 

This was a hard year for my body, too. Shortly after turning 26, we decided to start trying to have a baby. After six unsuccessful months, I was able to get pregnant, only to painfully miscarry. I spent the rest of 26 desperately trying to ovulate once again without any luck.

My favorite trip at 26 was our lovely Christmas in Vermont to visit my brother and his family. We had a blast and enjoyed the beautiful East Coast snow. We still talk about how much fun that trip was.

Last, but not least, at 26 I was able to be in the same room as Jim Gaffigan!

Ode to Early Twenties

My twenties are over. I'm not freaking out about turning the big 3-0 as much as I thought I would be, though it does weird me out a little.

Overall, the past decade of my life has been wonderful. Twenty year old me has grown so much, and in some ways, she has not changed at all. It's been insightful to look back and mentally review my twenties.

So, without further ado, here is my ode to my twenties: Early twenties edition.

The Early Twenties

(20-22)

Oh, geez. Early twenties is the era in my life that makes me cringe the most. The worries that I had. The awkward way I dealt with boys. The way I viewed several things. It makes me want to say, "Uggggggghhhh". But it wasn't all bad.

Age 20:

I was a bit of a late bloomer. When I graduated high school, I was too anxious to leave home, and decided to attend a community college. When I was 19, I applied to BYU and was accepted a few days before my 20th birthday. So this was the year I finally left home. This is the also the year when I experienced a lot of heartache. A few weeks before my 20th birthday, my niave, young heart was broken by a boy (that, looking back, I wasn't very easy to date at the time). So I spent my 20th birthday in Provo visiting my siblings, mentally preparing to move there, and feeling sorry for my lonesome heart.
During the age 20, I grew a lot living away from home. I got to live with my sister, start school, meet a ton of people, and land a job that is my very favorite job I've ever had to date- working as a paraprofessional at the Career and Learning Information Center on campus. This job lead me to meet some of my dearest college friends, as well as solidify my decision to go into social work.
Twenty was also the age when I met Jordan for the first time...though when I met him, he was just a guy I was dating's roommate; NOT a potential husband. This is the first picture we took "together" and it always makes me laugh:

Age 21:

Age 21 was kind of a harder year for me. My sister, with whom I was extremely close, got engaged and married, and I had a hard time adjusting to that. I also moved to a new apartment with all new roommates and lived in three different wards during this year. I often felt unsatisfied and antsy. I also continued to be incredibly awkward with dating, despite going on what felt like 1000000 dates that year. 

Besides some struggles, there was also a lot of fun things that happened. My sister and I took a trip to Washington DC together for a week and had a blast. I was accepted into the social work program and began its classes. I ended up making some really fantastic friends, and about three weeks before my 22nd, I went on my first date with Jordan.

 This picture was taken on my 21st birthday by a guy who Molly was sort of dating named Brad....who later became her husband!

 Hitting up DC in August 2008.

Age 22:

On my 22nd birthday, my good friend at the time, Dan (below, taking a bite of cake), threw me a "surprise" party. I think it was supposed to be an ironic surprise party, because he told me about it before it started. Whatever. 

 Dan's gift to me on my 22nd birthday. You can't see it because of the glare, but it's a picture of me and him. I actually still have this book today!

At the end of my birthday, Jordan (the guy that I had been on about 3 dates with) came over, sang "Happy Birthday" to me with his guitar, made me a cheesy candy card, and brought me a gift basket from Bath & Body Works. I was very flattered. After he left, my roommate said, "Oh, he loooooves you!" Then, unrelated to that, I promptly threw up.

I remember thinking the puke on my birthday was an omen, but the age 22 was actually fantastic! It was the age where Jordan and I had our Summer of Love, which was summer 2008 when we were both were obsessed with each other.

This picture was taken a few hours before our first kiss. :)

It was also the summer that I went to New York for the first time!

In the fall of being 22, I applied to graduate schools and had my first internship with the Provo School District. I also dressed up as Princess Peach.

In the winter of being 22, I went to Mexico with some of my family, flew to Tulsa, Oklahoma for the first time, and became engaged to the cutest Oklahoman.

Yes, a very good age indeed! My heart grew a lot Grinch-style. I was able to fall in love and learn what I really needed in a partner. 

Our Little Two Year Old

Last Saturday, our little nugget turned two. He has also been quite the little pill for the last couple of days....hmmmm....correlation?

Aside from his frustrating, typical toddler behavior, we think he is just the most precious, incredible creation that we have ever seen. Here are some of his stats and updates.

                                                    

Weight/Height: I don't know what it is yet, but he is a little on the small side. He mostly wears 18 months size clothing, with a few 12 months items thrown in, as well as a few 24 month/2T shirts that look a little baggy on him. He wears size 5 shoes. Oh, his shoes. What is cuter than tiny baby shoes?? Sadly, Jo's fat baby feet are turning into normal kid feet. The squishiness is all but gone, but I still am in the habit of squeezing them every chance I get. He weighs about 27 lbs. He is quite muscular and lost almost all baby chub. He is pretty totable, so he gets carried around pretty frequently.


Talking: Jo is extremely verbal. It's been so fun to hear him learn new words and try to piece together sentences. He still signs a few words, mainly "please" and "more", but that's about it. He likes to repeat what we say and he has a good memory. He knows too many words to list, but here are a few of my favorite phrases (in no particular order):

1. Murcan Fwag: American Flag
2. Habbit: "Have it" , usually said with determination.
3. "No Like it, ___": When Jo does not want to do/eat/hear something, he always says, "No like it" followed by the thing he doesn't like. For example, today when I told him I had to check his bum for poo, he said, "No like it, check bum!"
4. "You": what he calls himself. Adorable. Although, just this past week he has been trying to say his own name. It comes out as "Donna"
5. Je'us Cwist: Jesus Christ. He rarely calls his by only Jesus anymore; it's always Jesus Cwist.
6. "Pway toys!": No matter where Jo goes, when we ask him what he did, he always responds, "Pway toys!" Whether he is returning from a friend's house, a store, or church. Funny boy.
7. "Bwoken!": If anything is unsatisfactory, it is declared to be broken. This includes food, body parts, toys, clothes, etc.
Singing: Jo LOOOOOOVES songs and loves to sing. It makes my singing heart so happy. His favorite song to sing, as well as to listen to is "Let's Go Fly a Kite". He also loves to sing songs from Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, "I Love to See the Temple", and more. He is like his father in the sense that he can pick up song lyrics very easily. If we are singing a song he doesn't know, he still tries hard to sing along.
8. "Ay are!": "There you are" or "There it is". He exclaims this when he finds something he is looking for. I absolutely love it.
9. "The end!": This is what he shouts as he slams the cover down on any book that I try to read when he wants my attention.

Toys: Jo's favorite toy is his beloved cabbage patch doll named Baby. In August of 2015, I was at my parents' house and found my old doll. I thought it would be cute to pass it on to Jo, but I had low expectations for his interest. But something clicked in his little brain that unlocked his paternal instincts, and he is madly in love with Baby. He has a stroller for it, he loves to put it in his highchair to feed it. He snuggles in bed with it every night. The poor doll is as dirty as can be, but it very loved. Every night, he has to fall asleep snuggling his baby and his "choo choo".


Other toys that Jo likes are cars and trucks. He has an abundance. There are always at least 2 matchbox cars in my diaper bag at any given time. He likes to "cook'n dinner" at his kitchen set. He loves balls of all variety. He has his own football that he carries around nonstop, but he has a budding interest in baseball. He likes to carry an old pool noodle that was cut in half and pretend its a baseball bat.


Activity: Aside from playing his variation of sports, he loves to "wun around". He is desperate to learn how to jump, but he just can't seem to get his feet off the ground. It's pretty hilarious. He is a bit of a klutz and falls, bangs his head, or runs into things regularly. Luckily, he is very tough and rarely cries from it. When I ask, "Honey, are you ok?" He always say, "K." and continues. on. He likes to dance a little, but not much. His dancing is usually just running back and forth.

He loves parks, and would live his life in a baby swing if I let him. He is getting better at climbing on jungle gyms and goes down the big slides effortlessly.


Affection: To my delight, Jo is very cuddly. He loves to run up to me and give tight, aggressive hugs where he clenches his teeth from hugging so hard. He also is still obsessed with my hair and uses it as his most trusted comforter. He mainly rubs the tip of it on his palm or his face. Sometimes I grow tired of having my hair constantly pulled (and occasional bitten), but I do think it is sweet to see him feel calm in my locks. He gives pretty halfhearted kisses most the time, which is just him saying "muh" without a pucker or anything.

Shows: His favorite show is still Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, though he went through a Winnie-the-Pooh streak for a while. He also likes to watch Sheriff Callie's Wild West occasionally, as well as Sesame Street. His favorite screen has become the phone screen. He knows how to navigate his way through Youtube to watch various firetruck clips and songs. I limit his phone and screen time, so when he DOES get the chance to play with my phone, he acts like a junkie getting his first fix in a while. Crazy kid.

Social Life: Jo is still a social butterfly and much prefers the company of anyone over being alone. He love playing with other children, though he does not love the concept of sharing...but then again, what 2 year old does? He loves babies, and when he sees one he clenches his teeth so hard that he almost shakes. He loves to crawl next to them, pet them, hug them, and kiss them. He cannot resist a baby...just so long as it doesn't touch his stuff. He does great at the gym daycare, as well as at church nursery.

Eating: Ugh. Eating has become my least favorite verb. Jo is an incredibly picky eater, and will abandon foods that he once loved at the drop of a hat. It's been a very frustrating phase (is it really a phase if it's been going on for 3/4 of his life?), but I try my best not to get too stressed over it. His favorite foods that I can always count on him eating are pineapple, pepperoni, ravioli, and "Special Guck", which is milk with a little bit of flavored coffee creamer in it. We call it his special drink that he can have if he eats some of his dinner.

Spiritual: We are very amazed at Jo's spirituality. Admittedly, we are not the most diligent parents when it comes to teaching the gospel, though we have been getting better. He really picks up on things quickly and becomes passionate about them. For example, ONE time, we showed him a picture of a temple and talked about Angel Moroni on top, and after that, he was all. about. temples. He wanted to see pictures of them, of the statue, and talk about them over and over. Same thing with Joseph Smith. He loves to pray and folds his arm and closes his eyes habitually without any coaxing. He loves to try to say prayers and sing along to hymns in church. Every morning, when Jordan asks, "What did you dream about, Buddy?" his reply is ALWAYS "Je'Us Cwist!" Having this sweet little spirit in our home has strengthened our faith, and we are grateful for the increase of spirituality he brings.

Other funny things: Jo always hides when he has to poop, he can count to 15 pretty effortlessly, knows most of his basic colors and shapes. He remembers names well. He loves water and wants so desperately to jump. His favorite hangout spot is his crib, as long as someone is in his room with him. In fact, he wants someone to be around all the time. He likes having mom close by.

We just love this little big guy!

California Dreaming

During the last week of February, I got to spend nearly a whole week in Southern California with the majority of my family. We all took shelter in my brother and sister-in-law’s new house in Winchester. ‘Twas awesomesauce.

Well, the beginning of the trip was far from the sauce of awesome. Jordan was unable to come, so I flew with Jo solo. We had one layover in Phoenix. When we landed in Phoenix and I went to retrieve my stroller (all while holding a very heavy sleeping dead weight of a son), I saw that my stroller had been placed at the gate and someone even took the time to set it up and open it….one problem, though. It was MISSING A WHEEL! I asked an employee to please retrieve the rouge wheel, as it had most likely fallen off in the plane. Sadly, they looked and declared it MIA, which made my stroller a three wheel piece of useless trash.

Sleeping lug of a kid at the airport.

They checked my stroller to San Diego and offered me a wheelchair to use throughout the Phoenix airport. That didn’t work. I FINALLY got to my gate and miraculously, Jo was still out cold. While I began to relax, the front desk worker got on the microphone and said something along the lines of the following:

“Hey everyone going to San Diego. We just got a weather warning that it is super foggy in San Diego. We MIGHT be able to get on our plane as scheduled and land there, but we MIGHT also have to land somewhere totally different, and no, we have no clue where that might be. There’s also a chance that this flight will get cancelled. Never mind that fact that it is already late at the night and the next flight to San Diego is tomorrow morning IF THERE ARE EVEN SPOTS AVAILABLE. Ok, BYYYYYE!”

Naturally, I did what I do best when my panic and stress collide- I cried. No wailing and sobbing, but enough crying to allow everyone in the gate to give me the side-eye “Is that chick ok” look. Thankfully, a man sitting across from me explained that he was a retired pilot, and based on what he looked up on the fog, it didn’t seem serious and he predicted that my flight would be fine. That calmed me down a little, though I was still so stressed until I FINALLY heard that words from our captain that we were clear to land. Phew.

So after all the pains of flying TO California, the remainder of my time was excellent.

My brother has an amazing backyard. He recently added a patio, a track (or bikes, trikes, and scooters), a bunch of fruit trees, and in-ground trampoline, and a gymnastics bar. Kind of puts our backyard with a nonworking hot tub and garden of weeds to shame. The best part was it was perfectly safe to let Jo wander around with minimal supervision.

It was so fun to see Jo interact with his cousins. All of his cousins from my side were in the same house, so he was never lacking any attention.

One day, we spent the whole morning and afternoon at Oceanside Beach. Jo was so thrilled to be there, that while we were packing up to leave the house to head to the ocean, he kept grabbing my hand saying, “Go BEACH! Go BEACH!”  His high hopes for the beach were met and exceeded. He had a blast! So did I, despite the freeeeeeezing water. Thank goodness for my sister-in-law’s wet suit. I was able to boogie board for the first time in a long time, and it felt great.

I often feel so down when I think of how spread out my family is, but trips like this one help me to feel hope that we can still remain close to one another. I’m so glad my siblings, their families, and my parents made coming to California a priority. I love them all.

Turning two.

And just like that, my little guy will be two this week.

I am so happy that Jo is alive, healthy, and well. I know so many mothers in the world don’t get to celebrate their children’s second birthdays. I am trying so hard not to get sad as my baby gets older, and to remember that growing older is a privilege.

But I am not made of stone. Cue the water works.

I am not going to lie, this birthday (as well as my own upcoming birthday) is tough on me. I always imagined that when Jo turned two, I would be super pregnant with the next bundle-o-baby, or at least pregnant at all. It’s hard to see him grow up so quickly when the next baby’s timeline is unknown. It also makes me sad to know that every day that passes make Jo THAT much older and further apart than his future siblings.  

It’s so bittersweet to see him grow. I LOVE listening to him talk nonstop and learn new words. I love hearing him try to string words together into commands and questions. But it also breaks my heart to see him abandon some of his baby-talk vocab. Monkeys are just monkeys now, they will never be “Ah-Ahs” again. When he ever so politely says, “please”, it will only be “please”, never again “BEEZ!” I’m glad he is learning and correcting himself, but does he have to do it so quickly? Thankfully, he still refers to himself as “you” and calls milk “guk”. I am clinging to these precious words.

Plus, now that he is two, he actually costs money to fly, amiright?? Since birth, he has been on 17 one-way flights (not including layovers) and they were ALL FREE! Now every trip will cost me double. Ew ew ew.

In the end, I am happy to watch him mature and have his sweet personality further shine. I have to accept that time isn’t slowing itself down, and I am satisfied with how much time I get to spend with my boy. Sometimes being a stay-at-home mom is dull, but I know that I will miss many parts of it when this phase is gone, so I am doing well at savoring all the crazy moments with Baby, now TODDLER Jo.

Now, if we can just keep age THREE from sneaking up on me, that would be great.

Some more books

For about a month straight, I was hooked on reading. This is typical for me- read a ton of books in a row, then stop for several months. Here are the books I've read since December:

These is My Words: The Diary of Sarah Agnes Prine, by Nancy E. Turner. Oh, my heart. This book. I can't even. I loved it. I'm mad at it. I don't know what I am. This book is loosely based on the author's ancestor's diary of her life in Arizona Territories during the late 19th century. This book is SATURATED in sad events. I read this book during my stay in Seattle for Christmas, and I kept telling my sister and mom, "I am too scared to read my book! Something bad might happen." However, I loved loved loved the protagonist. And I literally fell in love with her love interest. No joke. I actually would have to close the book and sigh and swoon over him. Haha. This book certainly would not be classified as a romance novel, but oh me oh my is it ever so romantic at times! Not bow-chicka-bow-wow romantic, but ACTUALLY romantic.

Pretending to Dance, by Diane Chamberlain. This book was a quick, captivating read. I can't decided if I liked the whole story, but I was certainly locked into it, which is always good for a book. The story is told in first person narrative, with the protagonist jumping back and forth between present time and the summer of 1994, when she was 14.

The Silent Sister, by Diane Chamberlain. After reading Pretending to Dance, I thought I would try another one of Diane Chamberlain's books. This one was lame-o. It was supposed to be a thriller with twists....but I GUESSED at least two of the three main twists. The characters were all rather unlikable, and toward the end of the book, I found myself skimming for the dialog. Meh.

The Girl on the Train, by Paula Hawkins. I really enjoyed this book. It is a mystery thriller that was very well written. Unlike The Silent Sister, I kept changing my mind on the twists. I also kept going back and forth over being disgusted by each character and then pitying them.It is told by three separate narrators, and it was fascinating to see the three separate women's story collide.

Why Not Me?, by Mindy Kaling. I actually listened to the audio book. I was not all that enchanted with this book, which was disappointing because I really enjoyed Mindy Kaling's first book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? This one felt a little more braggy and her essays were longer-winded. But I didn't dislike all of it. Some of the essays were fun to listen to, and I still like Mindy....even if she likes Elizabeth Warren.

Diary of A Wimpy Kid, by Jeff Kinney. Yes, this book is written to ten year olds....what's your point? I've heard good things about the series, and I recall several of my former clients liking these books. My library had it on audio, and it was a fun story to listen to while I drove around. I didn't like it as much as I have loved other intermediate fictions, but it was still cute.

A Child's Prayer

Tonight, as we were getting Baby Jo ready for bed, we were ready to say our evening family prayer. Normally, this involves us coaxing him to fold his arms (which as soon as we start speaking, he unfolds them and lunges for my hair). However, tonight was different.

As we asked him to fold his arms for prayer, he did so and then said, "Try! Try! Try!" This was been his catchphrase lately, as he has been more interested in trying to do things himself. Jordan asked, "Do you want to say the prayer, Buddy?" He exclaimed, "Yeah!" Jordan helped by telling him what to say. Here is the script. Jordan's part is in italics.

Dear Heavenly Father,  Hebba Fabba
Thank you for Mama, Doo Doo Mama
Thank you for Dada, Doo Doo Dada
Thank you for Jesus, Je-us! Je-us! Doo Doo Je-us!
In the Name of Jesus Christ, Je-us Cwist
Amen, MEN!

It was so cute and so sweet. I feel like my heart is going to burst. That little boy drives me up the wall sometimes, but I am amazed at how much we love him.

Jordan rocked Baby Jo in his ricking chair before bed, and he said that Jo kept repeating, "Je-us Cwist uh-men!" So precious.

2015

I described 2013 as the best year ever. I described 2014 as exhausting. How would I describe 2015? I'm not so sure. A mix of happy and utter sorrow. Harrow? Haprow? I don't know.

There has been so much beauty in this year. I started the year with a precious little baby and ended the year with an amazing, busy toddler. That has most definitely been the highlight of this year, watching my sweet son transform. He is CONSTANTLY talking, and it's most often in English. He still speaks a little "Jonahese" every now and then. He doesn't walk anywhere, but runs. The only time I see him slow down is when he approaches our tile entryway while wearing his footie jammies. Other than that, he's hauling. He loves music, and it's been awesome to see him try so hard to sing along. He started attending nursery at church (and I spy on him every single week). He can say so many words, understand even more, and is growing constantly. It's been overwhelming to feel so much love and wonder for my little man.

Jordan's professional life has made big improvements this year. He received a raised and has gotten a lot of recognition for his hard work and skills at his office. He has found his spot at work, and he really enjoys his boss and job. Plus, with his hard work, we were able to pay off our student loans this year! On Thanksgiving, we gave Sally Mae her last piece of pie. We are thrilled.

We didn't go on any exotic vacations this year, but we had some nice getaways. I got to go to Seattle three times, as well as Oregon to visit my sister and her new baby. We did several weekend trips to Tulsa. In June, we took our first trip WITHOUT Jo when we went to Vegas, which was a lot of fun. In September, Jordan and I took another trip sans toddler to Dallas for a weekend. Other than that, our travels were pretty simple this year.

Another highlight of 2015 was seeing my family. Oh, how I miss my family members. I got to see my sister three times this year (for a total of about four weeks, which was nice. Yay for long visits!), I got to see my oldest brother's family twice, and I got to see my other oldest brother's family once. I got to go home for Christmas. I got to have my parents come for a week to visit me here in Oklahoma. My brother and his family stayed a week with us, which was heavenly. I'm so happy to see everyone.

On the flip side, I have missed my family so much this year, much more than the previous years. My homesickness is always there, though its intensity fluctuates. This year, however, it never seemed to fade. I think part of it is because we don't really have an end in sight here in Oklahoma. That worries me. Also, I am seeing my siblings all settle where they are, and I struggle to know how we can live close by. 

This year, we had to say goodbye to Jordan's beloved grandfather. We saw him last Christmas, and he was so happy and energetic. A mere four days later, he was in the hospital, and died a little over a month later. 

The world was so sad this year. All the shootings, the political garbage, the sad cases of refugees....sometimes it was too much to bear just reading about it. There have been many days this year where I worry about the future for my son. It's a sad worry to have.

For me, the hardest part of the year has been the last two months. In July, we decided to go back on my fertility treatment. I had to wean Baby Jo, which broke my heart. July, August, and September resulted in no pregnancy. We were able to conceive in October. I found out on Halloween morning, and it was probably my happiest day of the whole year. Sadly, we found out a few days later that my hcg numbers were a bit low, and five days later I miscarried. I have spent November and December with a heavy dark cloud hanging over my head. Christmas was an ok distraction, but not great. I am embarrassed at how upset this makes me, as I know there are so many women who cannot have ANY children while I have my son, but I can't help my grief right now. It's been so hard to accept that my children won't be the age spacing that I had dreamed. It scares me that I won't be able to have as many children as I want to have in life, and I hate the uncertainty of getting pregnant again.I feel rather powerless, yet somehow completely responsible for my fertility. It's been emotionally and mentally exhausting. Plus, my doctor told me that my condition has a miscarry rate of 38%, which makes me sick to my stomach. I had such high hopes of ending this year with a pregnancy....but I hope 2016 will result in that. 

At the end of the day (and the end of the year), I am grateful for the past 12 months. Living them and experiencing them is far better than the alternative. I'm grateful for everyday I have on this earth; even the really sad, terrible days. 

In 2016, my goals are the following: get friggin' pregnant, take an exciting vacation without my kid, take a fun vacation WITH my kid, and to have fewer sad days and more happy days. Stay tuned!

Jordan's Birthday

Blog fail. I didn't write a tribute to Jordan for his birthday. Every year, I am so good at doing that, but the past two months have been hard ones. So here I am, a few weeks late. Happy Birthday to my guy. We spent the eve of his birthday doing what he loves at his "Happy Place": We golfed at the new driving range. He did well. I was terrible. But it was fun.

I love that action shot of him. He looks like he belongs on the top of a trophy. Happy Belated Birthday, Jordan. You make me laugh. You drive me crazy. You make me swoon. You make me roll my eyes. You make me happy.

Happy Intergalactic Halloween

In our home, Halloween is done like so: I choose our costumes, I make design/make/buy our costumes, and then Jordan wears whatever I give him on October 31. It works perfectly for us because I love to be in complete control of my favorite holiday, and Jordan likes not having to put any effort into it.

However, there was a little change this year.  In May of this year, we visited the Oklahoma Science Museum where the had a space exhibit. While looking at the various astronaut uniforms on display, Jordan asked, "Hey, have you already planned our Halloween costumes, because I think our little guy would be a cute astronaut!"

As a former child therapist, I am a firm believer in positive reinforcement. So when my normally apathetic-about-Halloween husband made a suggestion, I wanted to encourage him! I sewed Jo's costume from scratch (a first for me. Thank goodness fleece is so forgiving!) and made his jet pack out of two empty vinegar bottles. We did buy the helmet off Amazon because it was only about $6, which is worth NOT trying to papier mache a lumpy, dumpy helmet for him on my own.

And until Baby Jo starts protesting, I am committed to family theme costumes. Jordan and I were aliens. Our costumes were pretty simple, but after spending too much time on Jo's outfit, I was cool with that.

This was the first year that Jo Willy went trick-or-treating! Once he understood the concept that walking up to the door would result in candy being placed in his bucket, he was hooked! He attempted to go into houses each time they opened the door, and he successfully got through the door once! I felt pretty dumb running into the house saying, "Sorry sorry sorry!" We spent the whole month practicing how to say trick-or-treat. By the end of the month, Jo would say, "Tai-Tay!" It was adorable. However, tonight, he was completely silent the entire time. Oh well.

  And lastly, no Halloween would be complete without me carving a pumpkin. Here is this year's model:

I was hoping my son would share in the excitement of carving pumpkins, but unfortunately, he tends to lean more toward his dad on this one. He had ZERO interest in touching the pumpkin guts. I don't get it. That's the best part!

Happy Halloween!!